Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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