I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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