his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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