I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
