im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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