Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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