Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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