Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
