I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
