And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
