you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
