Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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