I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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