If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
