That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
