I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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