I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
