Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I look excited, but its just a facade.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
