I CAN MOONWALK!
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
