youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
