listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He? As in you personified your dick?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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