too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
pray to the hookup gods
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
