I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
