She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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