You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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