I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
from now on my penis is your penis
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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