grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
