i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
