Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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