i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
