I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
