Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
