i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
