I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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