I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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