This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
