Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
