so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Success! We fucked roommates!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
