Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
