listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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