he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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