so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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