i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
