Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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