awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
