You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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