When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
