I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
