I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
