Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
