Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
